Loving Oneself With Open Eyes by Jorge Bucay and Silvia Salinas
Amor Liberate by kuscherlirmer on deviantart
Love can liberate, but not until we're willing to expose our flaws to others, admit that what annoys us in others is 99% part of ourselves and work it out. After all, as Hugh Prater said:
A stone is never annoying, unless it's in your way
In this wonderful book with the veil of a novel, one discovers the truths behind the success and the fail of some relationships. We are urged to tend carefully to our partners and subsequently to ourselves. We learn of the nature of love and all these in an understandable way.
Eros is to love the similarities, and love, to fall in love with the differences.
(Translation from Greek version)
Two psychotherapists email each other in order to write a book about relationships, but for a strange reason the emails end up being seen by a third person... and thus the story begins. Lots of beautiful metaphors bring different issues into life and lead the reader into small 'enlightments' that can also be questioned, so that the reader can participate him/herself mentally.
Us by davidofarbela on deviantart
I saw this artwork some days after reading 'Loving Oneself With Open Eyes' and I would say that it could be an alternative cover of the book.The first moment i saw this I thought it was the woman that added the piece. Then i noticed the uneasy posture of the man. but instead of changing my mind about what's going on here, it enhanced it. the man is uneasy exactly due to the fact she returns that piece. What I learnt from the book was that in a relationship we reflect one another and after passion has worn out we start see things that annoy us. These things are nothing else but pieces to our own self that we don't want to look at the eyes. Most probably these pieces have to do with 'the wounded child' we all carry. That's why the man avoids her gaze and he seems not very eager to accept the piece. Note that the woman holds his hand in a way that perhaps implies she holds him in place, although he doesn't want to...
Let's take a taste of the tips and truths the book offers
The relationship helps our self-development...Therefore, it's worth it. It worths the EFFORT... The relationship doesn't save us from anything: it shouldn't save us from anything.
The best, the most precise and the strictest from all the mirrors is a couple's relationship: it's the only bond on which the worst and the best sides of me can be mirrored.
When you accuse someone and point at him/her with one finger, there are three more fingers looking towards you. So be careful! You project onto your partner your sides you don't want...
Couples divorse for the very same reason they get together: the differences
There isn't a single way of living. Each of us erects his/her circus the way (s)he can... We can live our life like subway drivers, knowing exactly where we are going and how is the route. Or like surfers: following the wave.
We are vulnerable but not fragile.
In Devil's Dictionary: Jealousy is the fear of losing someone, whom, if you lose due to your fear of losing him/her, it wouldn't be worth it to keep him/her.
Tango is like a relationship: a close embrace. You need to synchronize and to accomplish that you need to listen carefully and then answer to his steps. You need to show trust and show resistance. You need to leave space for the other to move because (s)he will take that space anyway, even if (s)he has to keep a distance. In tango 1+1 never equals 2. It's either one (the couple) or three (the man, the woman and both of them together).
To develop the ability to love.
To abandon the expectation of perfection.
To find the balance between the without conditions surrender to the other and the privacy.
To develop our intuition in order to leave ourselves to be lead by it and, never ever, by the intuition of our partner.
To work on the difficulties to give and to take without losing contact with our real needs.
To give priority to the body messages and the pleasant situations against the prejustices of what's 'right'.
To work earnestly to see till what point we can give what we've got, even if it costs us and there's no left over. To give space and time the relationship and cease to be the absolute center of the universe.
We are not on the quest of our 'other half'. That reminds me of this wonderful story.
When I need the other to live, the relationship turns into codependence. And under dependence choices cannot be made. And without choice there's no freedom. And without freedom there's no real love. And without real love there may be marriages but there is no relationship.
I have tried to make up a theory about love: love is not a feeling, not an emotion. The senses of love are activated in us as a justification and a way to make the experience of love more pleasing to our own selves. So my guess would be that showing out flaws is not necessarily a good thing. Perhaps our lover holds us dear exactly because we do not show our flaws, but overcome them in this relationship thanks to the courage our partner gives us (thus both sides are happy: one is improving his/herself, the other one is taking pride and satisfaction in correcting his/her love).
Of course this is just a theory in its initial phase, and an effort to deal with love in a Vulcan (logical) approach, one that can be adjusted more or less to a wide range of people. In other words, I disagree with the post on one point: it presents its believes as general truths to be followed, and I think that for most of us it is way more complicated.
Also, the above are directed as a comment on the general practice of those believes developed in the article. If it were to be only about me, I'd have to agree that I want to be able to trust my weaknesses to my lover, and for her to show her weak parts too. This is how I express love.
If I were not to comment as an outsider but individually and personally, I'd have to say that I agree with this quote:
*When I need the other to live, the relationship turns into codependence. And under dependence choices cannot be made. And without choice there's no freedom. And without freedom there's no real love. And without real love there may be marriages but there is no relationship.*
Freedom is all about choices, and it cannot be anything but our doctrine in all things of life. Love, occupation, intellectuality, family, citizenship, etc. Indeed, there can be no love without choice.
I knew you'd love the part about choice- glad you liked it :D
But honey I think you rationalise too much. Feelings don't always support logic. Feelings have roots in a more primitive part of ourselves.
You also talk like you are an old conservative man that believes that love is a vehicle for reproduction only. Of course the motives for love are selfish in the way that they are promoting in the end a self-improvement. We need to be loved to become better.
As for the general truth impression you got, I have to say that soul, human behaviour has a similar perigramm for all people. It's like our bodies: we all have two eyes, two ears, two legs, two arms... the eyes can be blue, green, brown, the legs short or long etc.
Yes, different people react differently. Not everyone opens up when in love. But I don't think I wrote that everyone opens up... I said that only if people follow this, things will get better. Anyhow I think it should be best to lend you the book to read for yourself as well as 'Why we love? by Helen Fisher- you can check this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYfoGTIG7pY&feature=related
Couldn't agree more, if you can't love yourself, if you can't accept your own flaws and love yourself, then how do you expect yourself, to accept someone else's flaws?... and truly love them? But I also believe that we shouldn't overthink subjects like love, many people pondered over it for ages and no one can find a simple answer as to what it is, simply because love isn't one thing, it's many things; all sewed together inside a heart that awaits to burst open at the sight of that special someone, either that be a boy, a girl, a mother,a stranger etc. So I suggest we stop talking about love, and start feeling it, only through us harvesting the feeling of love, can we truly teach ourselves to be better, and maybe even someday we'll end up changing the world ino something better...
hi, i was searching for Amarse Con los Ojos Abiertos/ To Love with Eyes Wide Open (Paperback)by Jorge Bucay and i came around your blog, i was wondering if u know where i can find an English edition of this book, been searching online but they all seem to be in Spanish. or am i searching it on the wrong name? thanks like your article btw
melvin, the title in english is as I've written it on the title 'Loving oneself with open eyes'. As for finding an english edition, I can't tell you much about it, since I've read the book in Greek. I am sorry.
Time for me to speak my mind.
ReplyDeleteI have tried to make up a theory about love: love is not a feeling, not an emotion. The senses of love are activated in us as a justification and a way to make the experience of love more pleasing to our own selves. So my guess would be that showing out flaws is not necessarily a good thing. Perhaps our lover holds us dear exactly because we do not show our flaws, but overcome them in this relationship thanks to the courage our partner gives us (thus both sides are happy: one is improving his/herself, the other one is taking pride and satisfaction in correcting his/her love).
Of course this is just a theory in its initial phase, and an effort to deal with love in a Vulcan (logical) approach, one that can be adjusted more or less to a wide range of people. In other words, I disagree with the post on one point: it presents its believes as general truths to be followed, and I think that for most of us it is way more complicated.
Also, the above are directed as a comment on the general practice of those believes developed in the article. If it were to be only about me, I'd have to agree that I want to be able to trust my weaknesses to my lover, and for her to show her weak parts too. This is how I express love.
If I were not to comment as an outsider but individually and personally, I'd have to say that I agree with this quote:
*When I need the other to live, the relationship turns into codependence. And under dependence choices cannot be made. And without choice there's no freedom. And without freedom there's no real love. And without real love there may be marriages but there is no relationship.*
Freedom is all about choices, and it cannot be anything but our doctrine in all things of life. Love, occupation, intellectuality, family, citizenship, etc. Indeed, there can be no love without choice.
p.s. I really liked the article ^___^
I knew you'd love the part about choice- glad you liked it :D
ReplyDeleteBut honey I think you rationalise too much. Feelings don't always support logic. Feelings have roots in a more primitive part of ourselves.
You also talk like you are an old conservative man that believes that love is a vehicle for reproduction only. Of course the motives for love are selfish in the way that they are promoting in the end a self-improvement. We need to be loved to become better.
As for the general truth impression you got, I have to say that soul, human behaviour has a similar perigramm for all people. It's like our bodies: we all have two eyes, two ears, two legs, two arms... the eyes can be blue, green, brown, the legs short or long etc.
Yes, different people react differently. Not everyone opens up when in love. But I don't think I wrote that everyone opens up... I said that only if people follow this, things will get better. Anyhow I think it should be best to lend you the book to read for yourself as well as 'Why we love? by Helen Fisher- you can check this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYfoGTIG7pY&feature=related
Couldn't agree more, if you can't love yourself, if you can't accept your own flaws and love yourself, then how do you expect yourself, to accept someone else's flaws?... and truly love them? But I also believe that we shouldn't overthink subjects like love, many people pondered over it for ages and no one can find a simple answer as to what it is, simply because love isn't one thing, it's many things; all sewed together inside a heart that awaits to burst open at the sight of that special someone, either that be a boy, a girl, a mother,a stranger etc. So I suggest we stop talking about love, and start feeling it, only through us harvesting the feeling of love, can we truly teach ourselves to be better, and maybe even someday we'll end up changing the world ino something better...
ReplyDeletehi, i was searching for Amarse Con los Ojos Abiertos/ To Love with Eyes Wide Open (Paperback)by Jorge Bucay and i came around your blog, i was wondering if u know where i can find an English edition of this book, been searching online but they all seem to be in Spanish. or am i searching it on the wrong name?
ReplyDeletethanks
like your article btw
melvin, the title in english is as I've written it on the title 'Loving oneself with open eyes'. As for finding an english edition, I can't tell you much about it, since I've read the book in Greek. I am sorry.
ReplyDelete